Adventist Theological Seminary to Become Monastery: Students Form Religious Order

At the end of this semester, the Adventist Theological Seminary will officially close its doors and then reopen as the new St. Andrews’ Monastery. The change was prompted when the Seminary Student Form (SSF) voted to reorganize as a religious order. “We were basically already taking a vow of poverty when we came here,” explained SSF President Babe Korea. “And, as students, obedience is something we’re used to, so we said, ‘Why not add chastity?’”

When asked how the married students will cope with a vow of chastity, Mr. Korea replied that he is also married and is “looking forward to giving up carnal relations,” because in his opinion it will free up time to complete his required reading. Another student, Ms. Regena Upton-Single, hopes that taking a vow of chastity will help her focus more on her studies and less on finding a “soul-mate.” Campus Safety also approves of the vow, predicting that there will be fewer complaints of males loitering in areas frequented by nursing, education, and music students.

Dr. Henri Poutine, the Dean of the Seminary, expressed the faculty’s full support for the changes. “We believe that implementing a comprehensive rule of life will significantly help us to curb latent autodidactic tendencies in our students,” he said in a statement. Dr. Poutine noted that in keeping with the ancient tradition of religious hierarchy, “Do as I say; not as I do,” monastery policy will exempt faculty from “vows that interfere with inter-gender relations in the context of matrimony.”

According to Dr. Poutine, General Conference (GC) leadership is optimistic about the seminary’s new identity. In “off-the-record” comments, he told apokalupto that, “Ever since the Jesuits went all soft and social justice-y in the 70s and the economic crisis gutted the Illuminati, the GC has been looking for a way to exploit the current power vacuum in the global illicit influence structure. And they’re hoping our new monastery and religious order will be the basis of a secret society that can play with the big boys.”

Dr. Poutine refused to give further details except to say that a contest will be held to pick the SSF’s new name. The winning submission will have an “obvious idealistic or positive meaning,” but feature “mysterious or possibly even sinister undertones.” Other contest criteria, deadlines, and prizes have not yet been announced.

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